Dear Eric: I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for most of my 20s, and while I still love him, I find myself wondering if I am still attracted to him. In the last few years, he has significantly stopped taking care of himself. As a very active and healthy person (I run marathons, bike, lift weights regularly, etc.), I find it hard to retain that attraction when he does not exercise, eats very poorly, consumes hundreds of grams of sugar a day and leads a very sedentary lifestyle overall.

With those things, and bodies changing from young 20s to 30s, physically he has become a different person, but also our connection in lifestyle is missing in that way as well. Am I selfish for this? I want to find my partner attractive, but when he is eating fries and fried chicken when I come back in from a 10-mile run, I wonder if this will ever change.

—Stuck Girlfriend

Dear Girlfriend: The ways that we spend our time are reflections of what we value. This is particularly true of intimate relationships. Sometimes couples will wonder why they’ve drifted far apart and then realize they never actually spend any time together. They still love each other, but love also takes activity.

Removing judgment from your boyfriend’s activities and from yours, it’s clear that there are missing points of connection for the two of you. That lack of connection may be making the physical attraction and differing food habits loom so large.

As you note, people will change, their bodies will change, their lifestyles will change. Good communication keeps those changes in context. In your quest to determine if you’re still attracted to your boyfriend, focus less on the “no’s” and ask yourself if there are any “yeses.”

What do you talk about? What do you like to do together? What excites you about him? His lack of enthusiasm for running, a thing you care about, may make it seem like he doesn’t have any passions of his own. Is that actually true?

The physical is important, but the physical is ever-changing and always connected to the mental and the emotional. You may have outgrown each other, or you may need to reintroduce yourselves to each other. It’s worth finding out.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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