Psychologists say that chronic selfishness in adulthood often stems from specific childhood patterns. From overindulgence to emotional neglect, these seven early experiences may explain a lot.

When we meet someone who seems pathologically self-absorbed—always jockeying for advantage, blind to how their actions affect others—it’s tempting to label them a “bad apple” and move on.

Yet decades of developmental research show that enduring selfishness rarely appears out of thin air. It is often rooted in a handful of formative experiences that shape how a child learns to get needs met, how much empathy they feel for others, and whether they grow up believing rules apply to them.

Below are seven childhood patterns psychologists link most strongly to entrenched adult self-centeredness. Understanding them isn’t about excusing hurtful behavior; it’s about seeing the back-story so we can respond— or heal—more effectively.

1. Inconsistent caregiving that breeds insecure attachment

Children rely on attuned caregivers to teach them the world is safe and that other people can be trusted.

When warmth arrives unpredictably—affection one moment, withdrawal the next—kids often develop an anxious or avoidant attachment style.

In adulthood, these insecure styles correlate with controlling, self-protective behavior and a tendency to prioritize one’s own needs before considering a partner’s feelings.

Why it matters: If I learned early that love could vanish without warning, hyper-focusing on my own comforts and demands can feel like survival, not selfishness. Unfortunately, it still drains relationships.

2. Over-indulgence and the absence of firm boundaries

Permissive or indulgent parents—those who swoop in to satisfy every whim and rarely say “no”—mean well, but research shows they are remarkably good at raising entitled adults.

When children never have to wait, share, or tolerate frustration, they learn that the world exists to serve them.

By adulthood they may bulldoze coworkers, expect partners to manage the boring details of life, and become indignant when reality refuses to comply.

Spot it later: Frequent phrases like “I deserve it” or anger when confronted with rules (“that policy doesn’t apply to me”) often trace back to a childhood where limits were optional.

3. Being the “golden child” in a family that practices favoritism

In families where one sibling is placed on a pedestal—praised for every minor achievement while others are ignored or criticized—the favored child can absorb an inflated sense of importance.

Studies on so-called Golden Child Syndrome find that persistent over-valuation plus unrealistic expectations can seed narcissistic traits: grandiosity, exploitative relationships, and brittle self-esteem that shatters at the first hint of failure.

Hidden cost: Golden children often struggle with perfectionism and secret shame; maintaining the family myth of superiority requires constant self-focus.

4. Chronic emotional neglect

Unlike blatant abuse, emotional neglect is defined by absence: no one mirrors your feelings, asks follow-up questions, or reassures you that emotions are valid.

Adults who grew up this way report numbness, difficulty labeling their own states, and a tendency to shut down when others express vulnerability.

That alexithymia (difficulty reading emotion) can look like cold selfishness—because they genuinely don’t register another person’s distress until consequences escalate.

Healing insight: Building interoceptive awareness (naming sensations, journaling feelings) is a first step toward dismantling the self-protective wall that started as a childhood adaptation.

5. Conditional love from a narcissistic or ultra-self-centered parent

Children of narcissistic parents learn that approval is contingent: perform the right way and you’re adored; slip up and the warmth ices over.

This trains kids to chase validation and to treat relationships as transactions—What can you do for me?—because that’s how love was modeled.

Longitudinal work shows links between this conditional climate and adult patterns of entitlement, low empathy, and manipulative charm.

Red flag in adults: Excessive name-dropping, status obsession, or sudden devaluation of friends once they’re no longer “useful” often signals this childhood script.

6. Growing up in chronic chaos or trauma (“survival mode”)

Households marked by violence, addiction, or unpredictable caretakers push children into constant threat assessment. The nervous system becomes wired for survival, not connection.

As adults, these survivors may appear hyper-vigilant to any resource—money, time, attention—and hoard it without considering others.

Research on complex childhood trauma notes lasting difficulties with impulse control, empathy, and cooperative problem-solving.

Compassionate lens: What looks like greed may actually be a fight-or-flight reflex: If I don’t grab what I need right now, I may never get it.

7. Little exposure to empathy modeling or prosocial reinforcement

Empathy isn’t purely innate; it’s rehearsed. Studies across cultures show that children whose parents actively coach perspective-taking, highlight the impact of actions on others, and praise sharing behaviors, grow up more prosocial.

Conversely, when adults rarely model kindness—or treat empathy as weakness—kids miss those critical “practice reps” and may default to self-serving choices.

Everyday sign: They might excel at analytical tasks yet seem baffled when friends expect emotional reciprocity: “I don’t get why you’re upset—I solved the problem, didn’t I?”

Pulling the threads together

Not every person with these childhood experiences becomes deeply selfish, and not every selfish adult experienced all seven. Genetics, peer culture, and later life mentors can buffer or amplify early lessons. Still, the patterns above give us a map of the “soil” in which chronic self-absorption often grows. If you recognize your own history here, the takeaway isn’t fatalism—it’s leverage. Attachment-focused therapy, boundary work, or structured empathy training can update obsolete survival strategies and make room for genuine give-and-take.

For those dealing with a chronically selfish partner, parent, or boss, understanding these roots can clarify what you can and can’t fix:

You can set firm limits on exploitative behavior, refuse to reinforce entitlement, and model curiosity about feelings.

You can’t rewrite someone else’s attachment history. But you can decide whether protecting your own well-being means staying, renegotiating, or stepping back.

Ultimately, psychology suggests that selfishness isn’t just a moral flaw—it’s a developmental echo. Hearing that echo doesn’t silence it, but it gives us a better chance of responding with boundaries and insight, rather than frustration alone.