I Wasn’t Thinking Ahead When I Made Certain Financial Agreements in My Relationship. Big Mistake.
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I Wasn’t Thinking Ahead When I Made Certain Financial Agreements in My Relationship. Big Mistake.
My husband makes about twice as much as I do, so he contributes twice asmuch to the household. When I think about having kids (probably in the next few years), I find myself thinking about the fact that, should I take parental leave, I’ll have zero of my own money coming in for those months. Some couples prefer to keep their own money in separate accounts and spend it on a pro-rata basis, adjusting the amount to what they make. For others, all money is shared, and can be spent by either party however they want. It sounds like you and your husband are not on the same page about the extent to which your combined money is equally yours. If more fun money is a priority for you, and you still plan to work after you have children, you should factor that into your career decisions. It’s true that the market might value your husband’s job more than they value yours. You need to have a new conversation about your discomfort with the current situation.
Dear Pay Dirt,
My husband and I have been married for two years. We’ve always been pretty good about sharing our money: trading off who picked up the check when we were dating, etc. When we moved in together, we did what I’ve often seen you advise other couples to do: We each put a percentage (60 percent) of our take-home pay in a joint account for joint expenses. The rest we keep for ourselves.
The problem is that while this seems fair in theory (and certainly was fair when we were first living together), the longer we’re together, the less fair it seems. My husband makes about twice as much as I do, so he contributes twice as much to the household but also has twice as much “fun” money. When I think about having kids (probably in the next few years), I find myself thinking about the fact that, should I take parental leave, I’ll have zero of my own money coming in for those months. And maybe I’m overthinking it, but why should my husband have twice as much discretionary money just because society places a higher value on his job type? Do you think, past a certain point of “partnership,” the percentage-based approach to shared finances breaks down? Am I just being selfish in thinking there’s something off with this arrangement?
—Unequal
Dear Unequal,
Every marriage works differently in this respect. Some couples prefer to keep their own money in separate accounts and spend it on a pro-rata basis, adjusting the amount to what they make. For others, all money is shared, and can be spent by either party however they want. It sounds like you and your husband are not on the same page about the extent to which your combined money is equally yours. Not everybody uses the percentage-based approach you’re describing.
Marriage requires constantly affirming and renegotiating terms as the circumstances change. What you want at the beginning of the marriage might not be what you want at the end. You need to have a new conversation about your discomfort with the current situation.
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I wouldn’t take it for granted that having kids will permanently cap your income, even if it does change what you have coming in when you take unpaid leave. (And as the proud parent of a 6-year-old who was once a newborn, I can confidently tell you that “fun money” will be the least of your concerns those first few months—unless you can use fun money to pay for extra naps.) It’s true that the market might value your husband’s job more than they value yours, and it seems like that’s started to annoy you more than it once did, but you still have agency in this situation. If more fun money is a priority for you, and you still plan to work after you have children, you should factor that into your career decisions.
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But if the real problem here is that you want more of a what’s-mine-is-yours approach to your assets, then you need to discuss that with your husband, and also examine why you think that would be better for your relationship. Neither choice is right or wrong; it’s just a matter of how you both view your individual financial independence, and whether sharing everything makes it feel more like a partnership to you.
—Elizabeth Spiers
From: I Don’t Want My Whiny Wife To Get A Penny In Our Divorce. (November 11, 2021).
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Dear Pay Dirt,
My fiancée, “Cindy,” and I are getting married this year. Our biggest issue is Cindy’s mother, “Jan.” Jan is in her early 60s and makes a good living, but she spends compulsively and is in serious financial trouble as a result. She owes a significant amount of money to the IRS (no one knows exactly how much), and she’s always one to four months behind on her mortgage. She has no savings or retirement plan to fall back on and will have to live with us or Cindy’s brother, “Eric,” when she’s no longer working.
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Jan frequently borrows money from Cindy and Eric. I am solely in charge of mine and Cindy’s finances. Years ago, after Cindy lent her mother a more significant amount of money than usual and went into debt herself because of it, I created a “mom fund” with the money Jan paid back. Since then, when Jan needs money, it comes from the mom fund, and when Jan returns the money, it goes back into the mom fund.
Recently, Jan has been unable to fully pay Cindy back. Right now, she owes Cindy about $200, and she owes Eric $1,000. Cindy and I just bought a house, and a huge chunk of our remaining savings will be going to our wedding this fall. In addition, Cindy desperately wants to have kids (I’d be fine with or without), but we can’t afford to have kids and fully support her mother on our current salaries. (We are both women, so getting pregnant alone will cost a significant amount.)
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Although we won’t have to fully support Jan for another five to 15 years, I feel like Jan has become a financial albatross around our necks. How do Cindy and I come to an agreement about the extent to which we’re willing to help her mother? And how do we know whether we can afford to have kids now knowing we’ll also have to take care of Jan in the future? I am absolutely unwilling to live paycheck to paycheck and think we shouldn’t have kids for that reason. There are no other family members Jan can rely on, and we know she’ll choose to live with us as opposed to Eric, though we could ask Eric to contribute to our support of Jan. What do you think?
—Mother-in-Law Blues
Dear Mother-In-Law Blues,
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Coming into a situation where your partner is codependent with their parent is difficult. Adding finances into the mix ups the ante. It sounds like you’ve been rather supportive of Cindy’s relationship with Jan. Heck, you established a boundary by making the mom account, which many people would not have done. But I’m wondering if Cindy took your actions as a sign that you were on board to take care of her mom. Jan will keep being financially irresponsible as long as her children enable her to do so.
Before you combine your finances any further, you need to have a direct conversation with Cindy about what her mother’s care is going to cost your relationship. She may not realize that you don’t feel you’re able to support Jan and have kids. Cindy may be shocked and hurt, but it’s better to have this discussion now than after your wedding date. Be clear about your boundaries and what you are and are not willing to do for Jan, and give Cindy space to think and respond.
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If Cindy decides it’s time to set strict financial boundaries with her mother so you guys can move forward with your relationship goals, kudos. Have Cindy schedule some time to let Jan and Eric know that from now on, she will be prioritizing her own family’s future. She doesn’t need to go into all the drama of what a financial succubus her mom is, because that won’t be productive. She can simply say that she has new financial priorities as a couple, and additional requests outside of the mom fund will not be met. Cindy can also point Jan toward her state’s adult services office and encourage her to speak to a financial planner to help her make the most of what she has left in the bank.
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If Cindy decides that she cannot set boundaries with Jan, you have a few options. You can say that you’re respectful of her choice but that you expect her to be respectful of yours not to go further with having children. You and Cindy can work with a couples therapist to help you sort through this issue. Or you can decide to part ways. Regardless, it’s going to be a difficult conversation with a hard decision at the end, but it needs to happen before you are legally wed. I wish you and Cindy the best.
—Athena Valentine
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From: My Uncle Has Commandeered One Of My Family’s Beach Houses. (September 7, 2021).
Dear Pay Dirt,
How do I deal with my downfall? I used to make $27 an hour. I was generous with my girlfriend, never asking for money back. Now that I’m making way less ($15 an hour), she acts like I’m a burden on her. She gets mad, but I know she has almost $2,000 in the bank and expects me to still give her almost all my money to help with the bills. I feel like a bum, and she keeps acting as if I’m trying to get one over on her, even though I ask her for nothing and go without a lot.
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I finally got my hair done for the first time in over a year, and she accused me of spending unnecessary money. It makes me feel like she was using me when I was wealthy, and she’s only hanging on until I can get back to where I was. When I try to talk to her, I’m always met with anger and hostility, and I have to hear how she’s doing all of this on her own, no matter how much money I’m giving her. It makes me feel like nothing’s ever good enough. Do you think she’s using me and waiting until I can start back making more money and splurging on her like I used to?
—Used
Dear Used,
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I don’t think your girlfriend is using you. You seem to suggest you shouldn’t have to pay your share of expenses because she has $2,000 in her savings account, but her emergency fund isn’t there to cover your half of the bills. Unless otherwise discussed, you aren’t off the hook despite a loss in income. This would explain why she feels she is “doing it on her own,” despite you giving her money. (And you should never give gifts if you expect repayment later—that’s a loan, not a gift.)
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If that’s the case, I think you need to work on improving your financial situation. You could ask your girlfriend to adjust how you split bills based on your new wage. I’d also recommend a budgeting app to track your income and spending, so you know where your money goes. Mint, Goodbudget, and Pocketguard are all great apps for getting started. In addition, you could find a side hustle that will help in the short term. Ride shares, dog-walking, or a second job could ease some of the stress.
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However, I am worried that this relationship isn’t healthy. Even if it’s not financial abuse, it sounds like there’s a lot of tension and you don’t see eye to eye on money. That’s not good. If you don’t feel you can work through this with your girlfriend, it might be time to move on.
From: I Want To Make My Daughter Split Her Inheritance With Her Ex-Husband. (August 31, 2021).
Classic Prudie
My husband had an affair. After I discovered the affair, my husband ended it, and I wanted to let the other woman’s husband know about the affair. I joined an online forum where people experiencing infidelity can offer one another support. Everyone on the site recommends telling the affair partner’s spouse: They say the other spouse has a right to know and that it helps destroy the secrecy that makes affairs appealing. I agreed with that. But my husband said the other woman’s husband is abusive and would almost certainly hurt her if the affair came to light. I feel like he’s defending his affair partner by telling me not to expose the affair.