How the best Boomer parents learned to evolve with their adult children while mastering the art of grandparenting.

The best Boomer parents and grandparents have figured out something that took them decades to learn: the rules that got them through raising children in the ’80s and ’90s don’t work anymore. Not with their adult children, and certainly not with their grandchildren.

These are the Boomers whose adult kids actually answer their calls, who get invited to things without asking, whose grandchildren beg for sleepovers. They’ve discovered that successful relationships with both generations require letting go of what once worked and embracing what works now.

What they’ve stopped doing is as important as what they’ve started. They’ve released their death grip on being the authority, the teacher, the one who knows best. Instead, they’ve become something more valuable: the parents who see their adult children as peers and their grandchildren as complete people rather than works in progress.

1. Stop comparing childhoods

“When I was your age” has left their vocabulary entirely—whether talking to their 40-year-old daughter or their 10-year-old grandson. They don’t reminisce about how they bought houses at 25, or how kids today have it easy, or how nobody would have dared speak to their parents that way.

This isn’t because they’ve forgotten their own struggles or triumphs. It’s because they’ve realized that nostalgia isn’t connection. Telling their adult son about mortgage rates in 1979 doesn’t help with his 2024 housing crisis. Telling grandkids about life before the internet doesn’t build bridges; it builds walls.

The amazing parents and grandparents have replaced “in my day” with “tell me about your day.” They’ve stopped treating generational differences as decline and started seeing them as simply different. This shift changes everything about how both their children and grandchildren relate to them.

2. Stop insisting on your way being the only way

Whether it’s how to raise children, manage money, or load a dishwasher, these Boomers have stopped believing their method is the only correct one. They’ve learned the difference between sharing experience and imposing it.

When their adult daughter parents differently than they did, they bite their tongues. When their son’s marriage operates on different principles than theirs, they stay quiet. When grandkids visit, they adjust to multiple sets of rules without complaint or commentary.

More importantly, they’ve learned to respect the choices both generations make. They’ve discovered that being a great parent to adults means treating them as equals, and being a great grandparent sometimes means following someone else’s rules entirely.

3. Stop trying to fix everything

The urge to solve, improve, and correct runs deep in the Boomer generation. They fixed their way through careers, marriages, and child-rearing. But the best parents and grandparents have learned to sit with both generations’ problems without immediately reaching for solutions.

When their adult son vents about work, they listen instead of networking on his behalf. When their daughter struggles with her teenager, they empathize rather than take over. When grandchildren cry over friend drama, they offer comfort rather than strategies.

This restraint is harder than it looks. Every instinct tells them to share their wisdom, to prevent mistakes, to smooth the path. But they’ve discovered that being the person who listens without judging or fixing makes them the person both generations actually want to talk to.

4. Stop treating technology as the enemy

The Boomers who connect best across generations have stopped fighting the digital age. They don’t roll their eyes when their adult children text during visits or make snide comments about grandkids being glued to devices. Instead, they’ve gotten curious.

They FaceTime their adult children instead of demanding phone calls. They text articles instead of clipping newspapers. They join family group chats and actually participate. They’ve realized that condemning technology is condemning the world both generations inhabit.

This doesn’t mean they’ve become screen zombies themselves. But they’ve stopped treating technology as a moral failing and started seeing it as simply how modern families connect. When they do suggest alternatives, it comes from a place of addition rather than judgment.

5. Stop making every interaction a teaching moment

The successful Boomer parents and grandparents have abandoned their role as constant educators. Not every conversation needs a lesson. Not every mistake needs a sermon. Not every success needs to be connected to their wisdom.

When their adult daughter mentions a work conflict, they don’t immediately launch into what they would do. When their grandson struggles with math, they don’t turn it into a lecture about the importance of education. They’ve learned that sometimes—often—both generations just need to be heard, not taught.

This shift from teacher to witness has transformed their relationships. Their adult children actually share what’s happening in their lives. Their grandchildren tell them secrets. They’ve become trusted confidants rather than unsolicited advisors.

6. Stop keeping score

These Boomers have stopped tallying who calls more, who visits more, who does more. They don’t guilt their adult children about frequency of contact. They don’t compete with the other grandparents. They don’t track whose turn it is to travel for holidays.

They’ve realized that love isn’t accounting. Their adult children have complicated lives with competing demands. Their grandchildren have multiple sets of grandparents to love. By releasing the need to measure and compare, they’ve created relationships based on desire rather than obligation.

This security allows them to celebrate what they get rather than mourn what they don’t. A quick text from their son brightens their day. An unexpected visit from grandkids feels like a gift rather than an overdue payment. This abundance mindset transforms every interaction.

7. Stop pushing values through pressure

No more forwarding political articles to adult children who’ve asked them to stop. No more passive-aggressive comments about their daughter’s career choices. No more “educational” gifts for grandchildren that are really attempts to shape them into different people.

Instead, they share their values through stories and example rather than sermons. They tell tales of their own failures and recoveries. They live their principles without demanding others adopt them. They’ve discovered that values are caught, not taught—and certainly not forced.

When they do share opinions, it’s when asked, and even then with humility. They’ve learned the difference between being available as a resource and being an uninvited missionary for their worldview.

8. Stop needing to be needed

Perhaps the hardest shift: these Boomers have stopped deriving their worth from being necessary. They don’t create dependencies to ensure they remain relevant. They don’t withhold information to stay indispensable. They don’t manufacture crises that require their intervention.

Instead, they’ve found worth in being wanted rather than needed. Their adult children call because they enjoy talking, not because they need something. Grandchildren visit because it’s fun, not because it’s required. They’ve discovered that relationships based on choice are infinitely stronger than those based on necessity.

This emotional independence has made them more attractive to both generations. Adult children don’t feel guilty about their independence. Grandchildren don’t feel obligated to perform gratitude. Everyone can simply enjoy each other’s company.

9. Stop waiting for perfect moments

The Boomers who’ve mastered this have stopped saving experiences for ideal conditions. They don’t wait for everyone to be available. They don’t postpone connections until houses are clean or health is perfect. They’ve learned that perfect moments don’t arrive; they’re made from imperfect ones.

They say yes to last-minute coffee with their adult son, even if they had other plans. They take impromptu trips with one grandchild instead of waiting until all can come. They have deep conversations during errands instead of waiting for formal dinners.

This means being present in the chaos rather than waiting for calm. Video calls during dinner prep. Quick visits between appointments. They’ve learned that presence beats perfection every time, and that both generations remember feelings more than events.

Final thoughts

The Boomers who’ve become amazing parents and grandparents have discovered something counterintuitive: the less they try to control and shape, the more influence they actually have. By letting go of the need to teach, correct, and improve, they’ve created space for something more powerful—genuine connection across generations.

These aren’t pushovers or ATMs with gray hair. They’re adults who’ve learned that their job has evolved from creating successful adults to simply loving the adults their children have become, while delighting in the grandchildren they’re blessed to know.

The irony is beautiful: by stopping all these things—the comparing, the controlling, the correcting—they’ve become exactly what both generations need. Not another authority figure, not another teacher, but something rarer: someone who loves without conditions in a world full of them.

This is their gift to both generations: the freedom to be themselves while being deeply, unconditionally loved.