How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I live with my roommate who is a hopeless philanderer. He brings home a different girl nearly every night, and it’s clear that none of them know about the others. I found this out when I accidentally called one of them by the name of one of his other girlfriends and she became extremely angry until I managed to cover for it by claiming it was a slip because she looked a lot like my sister (I don’t have one). Now I’m thinking of doing something devious.

I’m sick of all this. Is it my place to say anything to any of them, or is this none of my business no matter how distasteful I find it?

—One for Every Hour of the Day

Dear One for Every Hour of the Day,

It is pretty much none of your business. If there were an issue with your safety or even your dislike of the foot traffic in the house, that would be one thing. (Having that many strangers in my house would immediately make me worried about bed bugs, but then I’m paranoid, live in a big city, and am still scarred from an experience from over a decade ago.) But even if you had an issue with the amount of bodies passing through your living space, the ethical thing to do would be to approach your roommate, not the women.

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The fact is, you don’t know the deal here. You don’t know what these women know and what they don’t want to know. If Adam is at the point with most or all of them where they are “casually” dating, and no declaration of exclusivity has been made, what he’s doing is technically allowed. Sure, many might balk at his excess. Many might agree to casual and unspoken non-monogamy in theory but then when understanding what it actually entails, recoil, but you don’t know where these strangers stand and meddling could stir up unnecessary drama. You don’t know if there is stated ethical non-monogamy afoot, or what scenes (like poly) these people may or may not be involved in.

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If there is any other tension with Adam, and I assume there is since you are thinking of tattling on him to strangers, he might interpret you going around him to inform his partners of his promiscuity as some kind of revenge. Were you to let his partners know that he’s sleeping around, you’d still have to live with him, which could make things awkward if not combative. The thing to do here is to talk to him about your issues with him. You have much more of a shot of influencing his behavior if you talk to him directly. Of course, you should come with a better justification than just, “This is distasteful,” as few will take kindly to that kind of judgment. If you think he’s being unethical or toxic, explain why and how it impacts your quality of life. If you can’t find good reasons, you may come off as petty. Your letter didn’t convince me that you aren’t.

—Rich

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