Rock and Roll Lifestyle Finally Catches Up To Ozzy Osbourne, 76

LOS ANGELES — Decades of hard partying and wild nights finally caught up to legendary metal musician Ozzy Osbourne who died at the young age of 76 earlier today, familial sources confirmed.

“It’s time to say goodbye to one of the most influential musicians of all time. It’s always sad when a musician is struck down in their prime. He was fresh off an amazing performance with Black Sabbath that was seen live by over 42,000 screaming fans, not to mention all the people who livestreamed it at home. We hoped Ozzy would be with us for another five to six decades, but it wasn’t meant to be. I just hope the devil is ready to party,” said a representative for the family. “We are all familiar with the 27 Club, a collection of musicians who died too soon, and now Ozzy is part of the 76 Club, which is just as noteworthy and tragic given the advances in modern medicine.”

Fans across the globe expressed their sorrow over the musician’s passing.

“I just never saw it coming. Ozzy seemed so young and spry, so full of life. It’s just tragic to see him cut down like this. But I know he’s in a better place now, probably doing shots with Lemmy and then following that up with like a speedball or something before staying up for nine days straight and snorting a line of ants,” said longtime Black Sabbath superfan Clint Howell. “It makes me want to start taking better care of myself. I’m going to start drinking at least one glass of water a week, and telling the bartender to put more ice cubes in my drink so I can stay hydrated.”

At press time, Sharon Osbourne was planning a final world tour to display Ozzy’s body with tickets going for $175 each.